Elaine is talking to John on the phone...

Elaine: John.. honey, do you love me?

John: Of course I love babe.. You know that.. I will do anything for you! I will climb mountains, jump from tall buildings, even walk on fire for you...

Elaine: So are you coming to see me tonight?

John: Are fucking crazy??  It's raining outside..

Rob's mishap..
Rob comes into the neighborhood bar with bandages on both ears.. Joe sipping his beer in the corner blows up laughing.. What the hell happened to you??.. Well, said Rob.. you know I lost my job.. My wife left me and ran off with the handyman, I had a job interview this morning, so I wanted to iron my white shirt.. As soon as I started ironing.. the phone rang.. So? said Joe.. So, you know.. instinct, I picked up the iron and burned my damn ear.. Joe, now trying real hard not laugh at his friend by sipping from his beer mug and says.. ok, so why do you have bandages on BOTH ears?? Well, said Rob.. I panicked.. I tried to call 911..    You know.. instinct...

Jack & Joe
Jack: Hey, Joe.. what would you do if you came home one day and found your wife with some guy in bed??

Joe: I will brake his cane and kill his fucking dog...

Jack: Cane?? Dog?? What are you talking about?

Joe: Yeah.. Only a blind man will sleep with her...

Careful what you wish for...
After a workout at the Gym, Sam and Dave went the showers...
Sam: Hey Dave, it looks like you have a cork stuck in you ass.. what's up with that??

Dave: Well, you remember our trip to India last summer.. I found that little lamp by the river.. I put it in my bag and took it home.. At home I tried to clean it a little, I rubbed it for a second and POOF a giant genie formed in the thin air.. in a very deep voice he said: You have only one wish..
I said NO SHIT..

Final count
In a plane crashes over the Sierras, 200 nuns died...
In the sky same day, an angel shows up, makes them stand in one long line and sets a basin with holy water next to him.. He calls the first nun and asks..  did you sin.. did you ever see one or touched one.. she shrugs and says... yes, I did when father Gregory died, I had to wash him up.. Ok said the Angel, deep your hand in the holy water and proceed to heaven.. Next...
Next Sister Bertha steps forward.. did you see or touched one asked the Angel..  Well yes with my finger when Cooper the little alter boy hurt himself falling and it was very close.. so I touched it.. Ok said the Angel.. deep your finger in the holy water and proceed to heaven.. before he finished saying Next... a big commotion from the end of the line.. Sister Alicia runs to the Angel and says ME now  ME now..   What is the matter my child asked the Angel.. I want to gargle some of the holy water before sister Claris has to dip her fat ass in it....

Smart Man...
Albert the plumber was married for 25 miserable years to Helga.. one morning she suffered a heart attack and died.. living on the fourth floor, he called two guys from a local moving company.. They put her nicely in a large pine box and started the last trip down the steps.. arriving at the second floor, one of the guy carrying the box bumped the corner against a wall.. Behold.. A Miracle!!! She came back to life!! A big celebration in the village..  She lived another 10 years and made Albert's life even more miserable the whole time.. One morning she suffered a heart attack and died AGAIN.. Again Albert called the two moving guys, they put her in the pine box gently like the last time.. before they had a chance to lift the box, Albert put his hand in his pocket pulled 400 bucks and handed that to the two guys.. a little surprised they asked.. What's that for?? Albert with a worried look on his face said.. do me a favor guys.. This is for you so that you please... please... please BE CAREFUL AROUND THE CORNERS...

Not good...
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting and ready. As the two began their session, they found themselves in the 69 position. Moments later he felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and of course fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to his doctor. The doctor asked, "So, how did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well Doc... when I fired the pistol, my wife shitted on my face, bit 2 inches off of my dick AND my damn neighbor came out of my closet with his hands up in the air!"